Present verb forms referring to the past

We commonly use the present simple to refer to the past when we want to make events sound as if they are happening now. For example, news headlines are commonly written in the present simple:

Rebels attack government buildings.
German Finance minister resigns.

In formal writing the present simple is also used to refer to important events in the past:

In spring 1984 the government is defeated and an election takes place. By the end of the year the strikes end.

We also use the present simple when we tell stories or jokes. It makes them sound more immediate:

It*’s** seven o’clock in the evening and an old woman walks slowly out of her garden and towards the bus stop. The soldier watches her and after a few minutes follows her.*
A man walks into a restaurant with a monkey on his shoulder. The monkey says, ‘I’d like soup please.’

We also use the present simple when we report what people say as part of a story:

It was only eleven o’clock and my mum says, ‘You’re late again.’ And I say, ‘No, I’m not.’ Then my dad starts to shout.